2019 A Year's Review in Books

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This year my goal was to read 48 books and I surpassed the goal by reading 50 books.  Reaching this number of books with the active year I had was hard.  Most days I wanted to stare off into space like a half conscious zombie, too lazy to even shamble off for brains.  When I read, it was often rereads of old fanfiction favorites (yes I read and love Harry Potter fanfiction still and no I did not count a single line of fanfiction as reading a book though many of my favorites are longer than the books that made the list).

It was an ugly year for books.  Over half of my book list is nonfiction and often I read “nonfiction” on Kindle Unlimited to fact check and argue more than to inform.  Public service announcement: don’t use  book selection on Kindle Unlimited for research.  While they have some great books, the ones with dangerous misinformation FAR out weight the hidden gems.  

This year’s review will differ from last year’s summary.  I will offer three books I loved, three I liked, and three that disappointed.  

What I Loved:

1.Secrets Bound by Sand: This is the 4th installment of T. A. White’s “Dragon Bound” series.  She maintains a steady quality and pacing.  While I didn’t love this book as much as either book 1 or 3 in the series, it was a great addition.  Tate remains a strong willed female character with a small core of trusted friends and a larger group of maybe allies.  I like how she and her dragon interact, though I missed some of the series standar characters as Tate spends a lot of her time on her own.  Tate is at her most compelling when there’s a large cast for her to play against.  This smaller set piece leaves less for her to work against or with, which lead to a smaller feeling story.

White writes action and adventure series that rely on puzzle solving from smart and reflective characters.  Her world building remains strong, detailed, and compelling.  Can’t wait for more.

2. The Numia Trilogy:  A break out new favorite.  I’d no idea Charlie N. Holmberg was working on something new.  Sandis is a smart if too trusting protagonist.  Her plight drives these books, and she’s a lovely character to follow around.  I found Rone’s perspective annoying and often skipped his chapters.  He was like an unwelcome intruder to what was otherwise a beautiful narrative.  

Upon reflection, the first book is the weakest of the series.  Readers: if you don’t care for the split perspective (like me) it gets better as the series continues. I can’t remember if Rone started being interesting (he is in book 3 and maybe Holmberg put in unneeded split perspectives in books 1 & 2 because she knew she needed them in book 3) or if I learned to like him more.  All I know is that what was jarring and infuriating in book becomes less onerous in further installments.

And can we talk world-building?  Everything in this made up place works so well together.  All the pieces fit but not in a cookie cutter “the author aligned the stars” artificial feel some fantasy worlds have.  Also, the length of the series is perfect.  Homberg gave us just enough for three books.  The world unravels a touch in the last third of the last book.  My suspension of disbelief stuttered, but pacing and stakes kept me invested till the last page.

3. Folk Witchcraft: I liked this book so much I bought it.  It’s a British centric perspective on witchcraft but not Wicca centered.  No calling quarters, casting circles, or God/Goddess assertions.  No threefold law.  Instead of offering generalization and all kinds of seasonal advice that only applies to people living in the right climate, Horne gives practical advice for meditation, reflecting on what one’s local seasonal shifts are, where one’s local land deities may be, and how to contact them.  His book reads less like someone’s ideal of what magic should do or be and more like what a person could expect/achieve.

While the book was spiritually nourishing for me, it was also very inspirational as a writer.  The short stories or little vignettes that could come out of some of these practices are enticing.  A few short fables could be a lot of fun.  If you’re an urban fantasy writer looking to create a magical system, I recommend Folk Magic as a good jumping off point.  

What I Liked:

1. Firefly Magic: Another book I ended up buying.  While I started reading this book way back in 2017 and the book was under Kindle Unlimited, it is no longer available via Kindle Unlimited.  While I’ve only read the book in little patches, it’s been a huge player in my writing life.  This book got me thinking about self publishing Follow Me: Tattered Veils back when my first draft was cut open and bleeding all over my keyboard.  It made me take publishing my book seriously and encouraged me to research an editor and cover artist.  It lead me to think of marketing and promotion in new and more positive ways.  Anyone who feels sensitive about pitching their creative whatever, should check out this book.

2. The Foretelling:  Did you know that Alice Hoffman has some of her books on Kindle Unlimited?  The Foretelling is a stunning example of everything I love in Hoffman’s work.  Her narratives are thoughtful and dreamlike.  I feel like I’m swimming though her work and it spins a story I don’t want to put down until the last page.  Then I just want to sit in silence and hold onto the feelings her style inspired in me. 

I argued with myself whether this book belongs in the liked or loved category.  I love Hoffman’s narrative style and as a result I love everything I’ve ever read by her.  However, some of her works are more compelling than others.  I recommend The Foretelling to Hoffman fans, to people who like Amazon myths, and to people who like alternative history stories.  I loved the work, but I can admit the subject material isn’t super compelling outside of Hoffman fan-girling and girl power circles.

3. The Last Black Unicorn:  I’ve wanted to read this book for years, but not enough to shell out $11.99.  When I saw it hit Kindle Unlimited, I scooped it up.  Overall the book was mid-range.  There were parts where the narrative dragged, but then there were a ton of funny and compelling elements too.  I waffled on placing this book because I almost put the book down three times and if I had stopped reading at those points; I don’t think I’d have lost much.

Still it’s a solid book.  Both funny and poignant.  If you enjoy rooting for an underdog, you’ll like this book.

What Disappointed:

1. The Forest of Embers: This book took a series I loved and made me feel “meh” about the whole thing.  I don’t know if I will pick up the next in the series when it comes out, and that’s a shame.

The book was clumsy.  It jumps forward in time but what it skips over seems more interesting than the story it tells.  Elements of it seem shoehorned in.  This whole gods and dragons part introduced doesn’t feel like it meshes with the faery magic, magic people, or in between that was originally introduced.  Part of what made the story so good was a cohesive world and this book has a lot in it that doesn’t feel like it belongs in the same universe.

Characters don’t feel familiar or beloved.  Personalities and views I’d seen develop and change over seven books were turned back so we could reread the same character arc or create artifical tension.  There’s a continuation of a love triangle that for my money was decided back in book four.  

The book is a mess. I wish we’d gotten a same world with new characters or even something entirely unrelated.  Roethle is a talented writer, but this wasn’t good.

2. Sara Fine: I’m not Fine’s audience and I have to accept that.  I like her writing style a lot.  There are flashes in her work I want more of and that’s rare enough that I read through many over her books (2 this year and 3 last year).  However the juvenille tone (which is perfect for her target audience), the mushy romanticism (again what people are there for), and the problematic tropes are too much for me.  I won’t pick her up again.  5 books is enough to teach me these lessons.

I would recommend Beneath the Shine and Sanctuary for teens, but her Reliquary series is too problematic for me to recommend it to anyone. 

3. Rebelborn: Another disappointing conclusion to an otherwise great series.  Bartol kind of wrote herself into a corner here (I say that but I have three different stories I would have preferred to read from this setup).  This story has pretty much everything I didn’t like about the last 2 movies in the matrix series crammed into it. 

There isn’t the same moral gray area in this book that the other two offered.  This book isn’t thoughtful.  It doesn’t encourage the readers to think on the use of technology, or what it means to staunchly support a side even when it’s no longer doing good.

It has a weird “solution” to the love rectangle it introduced that felt a lot like having one’s cake and eating it too.  And the book overlooks abusive behavior or stalking behavior from two of the love interests.  We never address that all three of the love interests at some point physically hurt and intimidate Roselle.  We don’t address the verbal abuse or possessivenenss of these characters.  Like kudos for being sex positive but major boo in understanding what’s romantic and what’s creepy/unhealthy.  Being in the middle of a war only excuses so much. 

It has a weird solution to character deaths I didn’t like.  And it uses a version of a comic book multi-verse that feels more cheap somehow. 

After the first third of the book, there’s no sense of tension or stakes.  Everything wraps up neat, clean, and happy. If you write a book where a massive war and implied genocide happens, it can not be all sunshine and rainbows in the ending.

Another young adult book series I looked forward to recommending but unfortunately can’t recommend.

2019 In Review! Did I Meet My Goals?

Me and Roxi in Big Spring Park all rights reserved

In January last year I set up some personal writing goals.  For fun I want to review them and see what I accomplished vs what needs work.

Accomplished: 

I wanted to finish my second draft of Follow Me: Tattered Veils and succeeded (what's the difference between the 2 drafts?  Talked about that here). More than that!  This year I:

-Sent Tattered Veils off to a copy editor (some further blogging about that experience here) 

-Made the corrections from the copy editor

-Have a Copywrite on Tattered Veils—which means a copy of my work will be available in the Library of Congress

-Commissioned a cover artist and have cover art complete for Tattered Veils

-Got a publishing team together and have that team:

       -Created a website for me and a landing page for Tattered Veils and future works

       -Created an author’s Facebook page

       -Discussed, created, and sent A.R.C.s (advanced reader copies) to people for an early review

       - Had a proof copy of my novel in my hands

       -Chose a date of publication (and I’m thrilled to announce I will self publish Follow Me: Tattered Veils on Amazon this Feb the 29th a leap year ^_^)

I taught a free Intro to Creative Writing class with Ashley and we plan to run our course again this year.  It is exciting to continue refining our class. Hopefully this class will turn into a way we can give back to the writing community, inspire other writers, and create a closer community of people with similar goals.

I met my book reading goals for 2019 and reviewed most of the books I read (check out my Goodreads profile).  I also created shelves for my read Goodreads books so they are easier for other readers to sort through.  

2019 was a great year for esoteric folklore.  I learned about this thing called “#folklorethursday” on Twitter and it’s awesome.  The community connecting and telling different little bits of trivial there is soooooo cool.  I read a couple great pagan books that reconnected me earth based traditions, some will even work in my southern environment even if British weather is colder and rainier.  I also had the chance to write up a bit of info on traditional holidays and some different writing prompts to accompany the holidays.  My well for inspiration seems full.

Opportunities: 

I didn’t maintain a constant blogging habit.  At my personal blog, I posted about 11 times.  I posted 12 times in the N.A.W.G. blog.  Along with less frequent posting, I’ve dropped the ball in my social media game.  This may have cost me an audience or sense of reliability.  I promise I’ve been very busy in my writing life, it just hasn’t all been on display for the people who might watch at home.

My goals for blogging and social media were too lofty.  Given how much socializing even online takes out of me and given how each blog post takes time I could write creatively off the table, it was never realistic I would both complete my Tattered Veils goals and maintain an active blog presence.  No regrets over which I chose.  Now I have a book, if I’d stuck with the blog who knows how far away holding a copy of my work would have been?  

While blogging and social media has to play a role in my writing goals, it will have a lighter touch in 2020.  If these posts help or interest other people, I see it as “worth it,” but I can’t say this style of writing is a “passion" of mine.

I kept making new goals for myself as the year went on.  Some of that was beneficial and some of it was a time waste under the guise of “being efficient.”  There were days  that planning took the place of “doing”—so not the goal of making plans.  As this new year rolls in, I plan to compromise with the person who wants to plan vs the person who wants to do work.  More on that in 2020 goals though.  

Overall, I think I had a powerful 2019, even if it wasn’t everything I wanted.  How did your year go?  What was a major accomplishment for you?  What was a major failing?  What are your plans for 2020?

Not sure how to create good yearly plans?  Try my post that helps break down goal planning.  Or try a post I have exploring Habitica and how it can help you meet your goals. 

Curious about my my 2020 goals, check out this post!  Wondering how I track my goals?  I've written more here.

I Took a Writing Class and This is My Experience

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In August, I signed up for a writing class run by Megan Beam through Les Conteurs.  The class started on Sept 3rd and run 8 weeks.  It cost me $100.

Why I took the Class:

My friend took the class and recommended it.  She said Megan’s style and mine were similar and she might help me go through the second draft of my novel “Follow Me: Tattered Veils” 

 Megan is a published author in my genre, and I was looking for something to drive me and make me accountable.  I wanted feedback.  

A third consideration, is that I wanted to blog about my experience in Megan‘s class.  I wanted to talk about what it was like to go back to “school” for writing.  I missed regular work shopping.  I wondered if focused assignments would help me this time around or annoy as they had in the past.  I wondered how a writing class would compare to a writers’ group.  I wondered what kind of writers I would meet in class and if I would make friends with them as I had those from my writers’ group.  I even hoped to get insight in how to query agents, publish, and market.  There is so much a published author could tell me.  

As readers know, I haven't blogged about the class.  I think my experience will explain why.

My Experience:

I received no notice on September 3rd, so on the 5th I emailed Megan asking her if I’d missed something and confirming they enrolled me in her class.  She sent me a generic “I’m working on it” email.  Satisfied, I waited.  

I got an invitation into Quip on September 10th.  When I logged in, I saw I would take this class with two other writers.  Both these other writers were in the summer session with Ashley and had already started folders.  What did Megan clean up if she left her previous students’ class work from last class in place?  It made me feel like a fish out of water right away, to be the only new student.  I tried to ignore this and dismiss it as me being too sensitive.  At this point I still wanted the class to work and thought I could still achieve all my goals even if I was the "new kid on the block".

  There were no instructions other than to create a folder and an intro, so I did that. I waited a week before Megan got class running.  Two weeks gone and no actual meeting happening until September 23rd.  

Now the meeting on the 23rd was productive.  We were missing one member but those of us there outlined our desired projects, what we were looking for, and what we planned to do that week.  Megan seemed interested in my work, and it thrilled me.  This is what I’d signed up for, a fellow urban fantasy writer to geek out over my writing on.  Megan never mentioned what projects she planned to work on, which I found strange because my friend told me Megan also wrote and asked for feedback on her writing during class.  I resolved that I would go to her folder and comment on her writing from last class. Though, since she said she'd finalized the work there, if felt a little awkward to comment.  Like when I find corrections to make on a fellow writer's work when I know the work is out for submission.

I commented on Megan and my other classmate‘s work within the week.  On Sept 30th Megan said she hadn‘t read anything and would get to it ASAP.  We had no meeting or chat of any kind.  She didn‘t comment on my work until Oct 10th.  We are over “half” done with the class and I’m just getting feedback.  The feedback inspired edits on my chapter 1 & 2.  One reason I wanted to join class was met, though it's only about 8,000 words of feed back and I was thinking 2,000 words a week minimum at eight weeks and I'd see the first 16,000 words read which would give me a strong direction in my novel.  At that point I'd either be able to continue on my own or sign up for the winter session.

I made edits, asked questions, and in a burst of enthusiasm, posted Chapter 3.  I also went over to her folder and made spent time digging for comments on her work.  She is a good writer.  I enjoyed reading her work, but felt there were too many missing chunks for me to make a lot of commentaries.  Still, I tried.  

To be fair, I received a lot more attention than my fellow student did.  She had three documents up and only got two comments on her outline with no thoughts on her prologue.  

This is where the class ends though.  We got no assignments, no one got concrete advice, and there was no class opening or closing.  We had one meeting over 8 weeks.  I feel cheated.  

In the spirit of full disclosure, I never reached out to her and expressed how neglected I felt the class was.  These typed words are the first expression of my frustration and anger regarding the class.  On the other side, when I sign up for a class, I expect to show up in the classroom and for the teacher to be there.  I don't expect to have to write a letter to the dean asking why my instructor rarely shows up and never has a lesson plan when she does arrive.

Normally I wouldn't bring this issue to public in this manner, but there is no other way to leave feedback on the class.  Both her site and the Quip site she uses don't have any area for feed back.  I could start a direct confrontation with her, but at this point I don't know that I want anything from her.  What I want is to speak in public about what happened and let others make their own decisions regarding the "class".

Can I Recommend the Class?

Obviously not.  I don’t think it was Megan’s intention to quit on us, but she should have communicated more and she should have refunded our money when it became self evident she could not run class this semester.  Or, if she always intended this to be a paid beta reading service with a thirty-minute meet and greet, she should have called it that.  Her actual shop service is vague enough she may legally skate by.  This is why I'm outlining what specifically was delivered for $100.

It was a weird experience, and it reminded me of working with an English teacher who didn‘t want to teach but didn’t know what else to do with their major.

And why Quip when Google Docs and Hangouts exists?  The site choice was a miss for me.  It wasn’t bad, there are just better options.

My experience differs greatly from the summer session, so perhaps a person could go to a future class or have gone to a past class and had a more constructive experience.  It’s $100 gamble though. 

Do I Recommend a Writing Class in General? 

Of course!  Writing class can be a great way to get feedback from a group of fellow writers.  It can help keep a writer focused and writing.  It can give assignments that force a writer to explore topics, genres, and styles that help them grow.   

Talk to me!  Have you ever been to a writing class?  If not would you want to take a writing class and what would you look for in said class?

If you‘ve been in a writing class, how did it go?  What did you do?  Did you learn anything?  Did you make any friends?

Weekly Metrics

from openclipart.org by oksmith

Sorry this is late, my job has a new policy that I “can’t” leave until the work “is done”, a policy that was sprung on me Monday.  Blindsided, I ended up forced to work until 6:30 due to poor staffing and high sales traffic.

If you are new, today is all about the numbers, not about my plans.   See the action plans I’m using to earn these numbers in previous posts.  Last Week’s 6 week Review!  and 8 Steps I’m Taking on Twitter.   

Twitter Analytics
I’ve been active on Twitter for 42 days. In the last 28 days I’ve had 336 posts, 505 profile visits, 128 mentions, and 68 new follows.  

Conversion based on profile views is 13%.  It seems like my new growth rate is stabilizing.  Last week I spoke of losing 5 followers, but this week I went up a little over 20 followers in just the week.  I have done nothing different, so maybe the first week of a month is slow?
  
My engagement is 3.0%.  It wobbles, but I don’t know I’ll break 3ish. I post plan, and I am trying to spend less time on Twitter while maintaining a sense of presence.  I kind of think my “engagement” can’t go up when I’m not in there making the connections. 

I post about 12 times a day.  I plan five posts and the others of responses or impromptu promotions.  Planning posts is can feel like pulling teeth.  Sometimes my Twitter feed is just not that interesting. 

I broke 2,000 views for the second time on Thurs and Sun.  My views on the rest of the days remain strong, well over 1,000 view mark.    


Blog Stats

I got 97 views last week spread across 5 posts.  Sitting at week 2 with about 100 views, so I’m seeing something cool.  It’s no secret, this blog is for recording my writing process and giving personal feedback about the process of writing and self promoting on social media.  I don’t know if that kind of content is helpful or engaging to others, but I sensed there was a niche for it and it’s rewarding to see growth here.

The North Alabama Writers’ Group blog has 62 views this past week.  I would love to take the credit, but I believe Christopher M. Palmer kicked off our October success with his flash fiction “The Ghost Strikes at Midnight."  I‘m trying to capture that lightening in a bottle with my own flash story scheduled to drop Oct 10th!  I still want to recommend to fellow writers our October Open Calls for Submission.  And I still want other writers to share how they choose a genre.  


So talk to me!  What are your numbers?  What’s your social media strategy?  Are you counting anything else in your life and what does success look like?

Still need a number fix?  Compare this week to last week Oct 1st, or go back further to reports on Sept 24th, Sept17th, or Sept 10th.  

Does being Critical in My Reviews Hurt me as a Writer?

by openclipart.org by Johnny_Automatic

Reviewing books and movies as a writer is awkward.  I'm a critical person with strong opinions.  These traits make writing and sharing reviews a natural extension of my blogging content creation.  It allows people to "get to know me" and provides entertaining/relevant posts.  People love to watch other's judge.

BUT, as a writer I always wonder what I'm supposed to do with books I didn't care for.  Do I write a scathing but honest review? Do I pretend I didn't read the book?  Do I lie?

Does it matter if I enjoy the writer but this one book or series of books was a flop?  I don't know the rules, it's all speculation.

Does writing a bad review close artistic doors on me?  Do I hurt feelings, appear snobby, elitist, or difficult?  Does having a positive review with critical elements also damn me?  None of my reviews are sunshine and roses.  Most of them acknowledge a pacing element, character inconsistency, or social concern I didn't care for in a work.  Does having any feedback for a writer make you "the enemy"?

They say reviews are for readers not for writers.  Except there are reviews I wrote more for a writer (not the writer the book) than for the reader.  I advise against cliche X or I point out the line the writing goes to hell or I suggest a stronger editor.  Little industry moments where I'm no longer speaking as a consumer but as a creator.  Sometimes I grandstand on a writer's social responsibility not to shoe horn certain groups of people into a role.

My policy on reviews has been to write them and post them, but only cross promote positive views.  I am at a crossroad in my NAWG Blog series where I feature the good writers on Kindle Unlimited. I want to cover a writer who has some amazing work but also some disappointing books.  I don't know how to cover her.  I want to gush about one series she wrote and the first three books of another series, but the other 6 books I didn't like exist.  From a good to bad book ratio she has a 50% rating BUT her good books are so much fun and her bad books are "meh" not offensively bad.  And I want to talk about that too, how sometimes writers swing and strike out.  An audience sticks around because your hits are so epic and we know a batter can't have 100% home runs, sometimes it's a swing and a miss.

Or I have another author I plan to feature who does an amazing job with a large ensemble cast and who did well in most elements of the books BUT I think how she portrayed the LBGTQ community is problematic.  Pros: she represented the community and the character's gayness was not a big deal.  I loved how she dropped in "yeah so and so doesn't like boys" in a medieval fantasy setting and everyone was just like "oh, ok then."  The society is still burning witches and afraid of women but if you're a lady who likes ladies, that's fine.  It was refreshing how much no one cared who the characters might want to sleep with.  Cons:  She killed the only gay man off, the "villain" of the piece is a manipulative lesbian, and the most "heroic" of the lesbians is only a lesbian because a past boyfriend beat her, when she finds the right man, she goes back to being straight.  Honestly, I don't think the author consciously plotted these elements out, it feels like unconscious bias, but am I not supposed to talk about it?  And I'm not saying that all LGBTQ characters have to be amazing, but she had four characters representing the community in a cast with twelve characters and all of them had cringe-y stereotyped baggage on them.  She made an obvious effort toward inclusion, which I applaud because no one looks at a medieval work and says "why isn't the LGBTQ community represented?", but the effort was undermined by an unintentional inclusion of stereotypes. 

It's stuff like this that makes me shy away from promoting fellow authors or digging into their works.  If it was me, I'd find the thought and attention flattering even if the conclusions highlighted some of my work's failings.  But other people are not me, and I've seen how what I thought was a positive highlight is viewed as a hit piece.  

I waste a lot of time and energy worrying over the pros and cons of sharing my thoughts.  And while I consider, I write other positive reviews and these two authors, whose works I like better than some ones I'm promoting, languish because I also have critical thoughts.

Talk to me.  If you're a writer, what is your review policy?  If you're a reader does a positive review with critical elements help or hinder you?  Does a review detailing writer minutiae disinterest you?  

Batching Projects for Efficiency

image from open clipart.org provided by J4p4n

I read "How Can I build My Platform and Still Have Time to Freelance Write?" bt Elna Cain.  If her article had been "and Still Have Time to Creatively Write?" she'd have written a post just for me.  As it is, I found one insight interesting.

Cain  batches her tasks to maximize efficiency.  Batching, according to Cane is about putting similar tasks together to save time.  Like she writers all her articles for her clients and her own blogs, then after that's done she goes ahead and finds the graphics for those posts.

On reflection, when I retroactively added pictures to older posts, instead of adding photos as I went, it was faster.  So right away, I'm stoked to try batching to improve efficiency!   The next obvious question: what can I batch?

Like Cain, I can write blog posts for my personal blog and The North Alabama Writers' Group together and then go look for pictures.  I could also throw in my book reviews for Goodreads (long backlog).  I've already written a list of all the posts I need to write and a tentative schedule for them.

Also like Cain I could find the pictures AFTER I write all the posts.

In my creative writing, I can batch edit complete stories.  Likewise, the research for my creative writing, my social media links, and my blogs could all happen together.

I'm always trying to batch my social media presence.  First, I check the North Alabama Writers' Blog and tackle the comments waiting approval, then I swing here and see if there are comments, then I go to twitter and check on my notifications, see if I need to do anything with those.  Afterward I jump to Hootsuite and post schedule.  Then I go to Commun.it and see if there's anything popular I need to respond to and then I jump to ManageFlitter and unfollow about 50 people. After that, I try not to look at social media again at all until the evening because while it's a powerful tool to reach an audience it's also a notorious time waster--mixed results there.  I',m going to have a ton of difficulty batching Social Media when I expand out to something beyond Twitter, and Goodreads.  For my sanity I will wait at least a month and hope some "check now" compulsion goes away.


Does anyone else batch tasks?  If so, what do you throw together?  Is there anything else I could combine to help my efficiency?

Performing For a Live Audience: And How it Can Stymie My Creative Process

(from openclipart.org j4p4n's collection)

The only thing worse than prolonged conversation with people when I need alone time, is performing in front of a large group of people.  Blogging and networking online forces me to do both, and thanks to all the ways to track views, the very meter of success forces me to acknowledge how many people I may be performing for.


The desire to create a good impression to so many people--whose expectations and experiences are so alien to me feels crippling.  I wake up early, planning to write three of four blog posts, and then to post one on each blog and suddenly I want no part in it.  I start picking up almost anything to avoid writing these posts.

This blog is a chance to go over parts of my process that I struggle in and am sensitive towards.  As everything seems clearer to me once I write it, it seems like it would be good to hash it out in works.  Yet, the very fact these are sensitive and troublesome aspects of my process keep me from wanting to post them.  This juxtaposition would be largely humorous if it wasn't standing between me and more success.

(from openclipart.org johnny_automatic's collection)

My less important Aquagarden Blog, that records more a hobby than anything that could be a career maker, still manages to create this feeling of anxiety.   I like taking the pictures of the tank and the plants.  I like being able to look back and see day to day growth compared.  And still, I see the 200 page views on 20 days of work, what most people would consider a pathetic turn out, and think it's too large.

 It concerns me to think of so many people looking at the blog and judging me with no more context than I've provided.  Part of me starts filling up all this supplemental reading and writing I should create to justify the blog.

Perhaps a betta 101 care post along with references to prove I'm taking good care of the fish. The whole post would only take three hours to research and write.  It would both prove my ability as a fish care taker and possibly increase traffic.

Then, I remember that how large a betta tank should be is a HUGE source of controversy, and I realize that will need it's own post.  For this I'd have to look up the varying opinions, analyze them and then integrate whatever scientific research there is on fish mental, physical, and emotional health.  This is minimum six hours.

Another point of controversy between the fish hobbiest community and the aquaponics community is exactly what kind of filtration system fish need and whether water changes need occur.  Honestly, I've done a good 30 hours research and can't give an answer to these questions.  I sort of just skim over them on the blog.  My tentative answer seems to be that plant roots can be a complete filtration system, but there are a lot of factors at work in my own tank--let alone what may be going on with others for me to truly answer this concern.

(from openclipart.org  bmichalik's collection)

And I've only scratched the surface of the fish side of the equation.  I'm already how many hours justifying a hobby blog where truly, we may not have an answer yet for some of the questions or concerns aquaponics raises.

Why do I feel so compelled to justify myself?  Why am I so nervous to just to put my thoughts or feelings out there?  What do I think is going to happen when people read my posts?  

I wish I could understand this crippling fear.  Never afraid to write, only afraid to present.   Still, I know if held me back from creating a new Aquagarden post for a week.  I had to force myself to take pictures I suddenly dreaded, look at my blogger account, and go through and post.

Likewise, here I have three posts I've started and abandoned.  One about what as an aspiring novelist I'm trying to create, one about race portrayals in fiction and creating responsible character diversity, and this current post I'm slogging through.  As the least controversial, it's easiest for me to share.  Why am I so afraid to get things wrong?

All I know is that of my three projects, I like my novel best because it goes out on paper completed.  There will be no addendum, no corrections, and no ongoing conversation as I create.  Sure there may be judgement and discussion on the final product, but it won't be the extended relationship that blogs and networking sites allow for.  Something in that format seems so much safer and more distanced.

On the other hand, I've spent a few years researching details for the novel--obsessed that even the smallest little pieces feel real and as if they're coming from a rich and vibrant tradition.  For all I know, it's less the judgement and more that I've allowed myself more time to do all the insane research so I feel more ready.  It's a shame the internet needs things to go too quickly to allow for the same level of in depth detail work.